"What's the biggest adjustment you've ever had to make in your life?"
This took me a while to think about. This past year has been the biggest adjustment I have ever had to make bar none!
Most people will say having a baby is a big adjustment but I can't say that. Evan slipped into my life so easily it was like he was always there. The joy he brought me, and continues to bring me, far overshadows any kind of adjustment I ever had to make. The point is, I can't even remember making any adjustments for him.
Even moving to Israel wasn't as big of an adjustment as this past year. Yes, it was challenging but within a year I felt like it was my forever home. I didn't speak Hebrew well but I could ride a bus and take Evan to Masada and the Dead Sea. I could grocery shop and get my hair cut. I could sit in the park and enjoy where I was. Despite the challenges of not speaking the language, losing my job and the severe financial challenges we faced, the reason we left wasn't because we couldn't adjust. Leaving definitely tore a hole in both Evan's and my heart.
No, without a doubt, this past year was the hardest adjustment of my life. The defeat of coming back from Aliyah, being severely ostracized by family and friends, having my child taken from me, and finally, to my relief, finalizing my divorce. My drivers license was taken from me and my friends stopped calling and texting. I grew afraid of people, of groups, of leaving the house.
There were good adjustments too. A new and wonderful relationship, a beautiful new home, a new life, new friends and family. I got my son back.
I went from a country I love more than anyplace to a cold, unheated home with no toilet or water. My child was taken from me and I was told no one wanted me and that I was an unfit mother.
I wanted and made plans to die. I had no reservations.
And from there...I am here. And I am still adjusting to a normal, loving relationship. I am still working on going out of the house and to synagogue. I haven't made it yet but every week I try.
I am accepting that I have epilepsy and can't drive and may never drive again.
At one point I said I was becoming. Back then I thought I was. It was all blue skies.
Now I am adjusting and trying to accept where I am. I am trying to adjust and accept who I am. I am trying to start over and adjust to the wasteland I feel my life has become.
Fortunately I AM loved and that gives me hope that eventually I can become again. Maybe not. I really just don't know.