Saturday, February 15, 2014

One Minute Writer - Adjusting

Today's topic from One Minute Writer: 

"What's the biggest adjustment you've ever had to make in your life?"

This took me a while to think about.  This past year has been the biggest adjustment I have ever had to make bar none!

Most people will say having a baby is a big adjustment but I can't say that.  Evan slipped into my life so easily it was like he was always there.  The joy he brought me, and continues to bring me, far overshadows any kind of adjustment I ever had to make.  The point is, I can't even remember making any adjustments for him.

Even moving to Israel wasn't as big of an adjustment as this past year.  Yes, it was challenging but within a year I felt like it was my forever home.  I didn't speak Hebrew well but I could ride a bus and take Evan to Masada and the Dead Sea. I could grocery shop and get my hair cut.  I could sit in the park and enjoy where I was.  Despite the challenges of not speaking the language, losing my job and the severe financial challenges we faced, the reason we left wasn't because we couldn't adjust.  Leaving definitely tore a hole in both Evan's and my heart.

No, without a doubt, this past year was the hardest adjustment of my life.  The defeat of coming back from Aliyah, being severely ostracized by family and friends, having my child taken from me, and finally, to my relief, finalizing my divorce.  My drivers license was taken from me and my friends stopped calling and texting.  I grew afraid of people, of groups, of leaving the house.

There were good adjustments too.  A new and wonderful relationship, a beautiful new home, a new life, new friends and family. I got my son back.

I went from a country I love more than anyplace to a cold, unheated home with no toilet or water.  My child was taken from me and I was told no one wanted me and that I was an unfit mother.

I wanted and made plans to die.  I had no reservations.

And from there...I am here.  And I am still adjusting to a normal, loving relationship. I am still working on going out of the house and to synagogue.  I haven't made it yet but every week I try. 

I am accepting that I have epilepsy and can't drive and may never drive again.

At one point I said I was becoming.  Back then I thought I was.  It was all blue skies.

Now I am adjusting and trying to accept where I am.  I am trying to adjust and accept who I am.  I am trying to start over and adjust to the wasteland I feel my life has become.

Fortunately I AM loved and that gives me hope that eventually I can become again.  Maybe not.  I really just don't know.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

What are you good at?

Today's topic for my One Minute Writer is as follows:

  1. If you could be graded in any made-up subject you wish, what would you get an "A" in?
I had to think a lot about this.  For example I m the crown princess at obsessing.  Whether it's over the car breaking down, or my cookies being an epic an utter fail, or that the laundry and dishes aren't done by the time Scott pulls in and dinner isn't even started.  In this example I intellectually know he is okay with my failure but inside I am not okay with it.

Another thing I gave down pat is worrying that the covers are perfectly straight on the bed and tucked in properly on the bottom do they don't pull out.  Wanna make me bat shit crazy?  Give me messy sheets at the bottom if the bed.

Still more...I can't sleep if the thermostat is over 63 and I am stealth at making sure it is every night.

I am a world class Olympic caliber worrier and I think that's where I'd take my A and my gold.  I worry about everything from the abject fear if making phone calls to what people think of me.  I worry when a letter comes I have to deal with and I just can't right now.  I worry over dinner.  I worry the car will break down or we will get a ticket because the brake lights aren't working.  Not that we drive more than a square mile but still.  I worry that my debit card will fail.  I worry that my son is lonely and needs me and I can't emotionally be there sometimes.  I worry that the electric kettle takes 3 times to boil and that I over broiled the roast and ruined dinner.  I worry that it's snowing and I worry that it's not.  I worry I have books to read and can't.  I worry that I have Ravellenics projects to do and I worry I might not be able to.  I worry I may never be diagnosed and I may be like this forever.

The fact if the matter is I worry and if I can't find anything worthwhile to worry about, I can assure you I will find something worthy to worry about if only until the next best worrying contender comes along.

So with these creds how could I not get an A?  Sure I love to sleep but as Scott pointed out my dreams are too disturbing to sleep deeply and therefore I don't which disqualifies me from my A in sleep.

I do know trivia but so does everyone else these days.  I do wish we could find a bar with trivia night so we could play.  I liked that in Israel and I would love it with Scott here.  I'd worry less if we could find something like this.

I think I am realizing that my old life is dead and gone and I worry about how to start over at my sge. How to fit in, find friends and start to live again.

So that is, in a nutshell, my reasoning for my A. In worrying although I worry I may not worry well enough to get that A but for now, it's all I've got.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

One Minute Writer - My Patronus

I'm signed up with One Minute Writer  which is a cool way to not only freshen up your blog content but it's also a good way to expand your writing and let your readers see that you're much more than a one topic blog.

The topic today is:  if you could have any wild animal as a pet, which would you choose?

My question first is, when you first saw that topic, which animal do you think I'd choose?

Second, I am going to expand this further and say which animal do I see as my Patronus and why?  Feel free to play along in the comments!!!

I would choose the same animal, actually, for a pet and for my patronus.  I'm sure very few would guess that that animal is a badger!

No, I don't have white streaks up the sides of my beehive hairdo...but I think if you really knew badgers you'd understand.

Firstly, they are feisty and scrappy.  These are attributes that not only do I know I have but they're also attributes that have kept me alive and whole my entire life.

Secondly, badgers don't have a problem taking on the entire world at one time.  Tigers, lions, snakes?  Oh my!  They will go tooth and bad ass badger at any of them if that's what they need to do.  Refer back to number 1.

And lastly, badgers take no shit from anything or anyone.  I think they are the animal with the best self esteem on the planet.  I would say "animal kingdom" but a badger's self esteem completely overshadows anything on this planet.  I don't even think they could program higher self esteem in a robot to be honest!

I don't exactly think I am badger worthy yet.  Oh I have some of it going on and I had a lot of it going on "before" (how I describe my life before the Deep Dark Sucking Hole of depression got hold of me!)

Anyway, I know as my patronus the badger would inspire and represent my feisty self, my scrappy self and my kick ass and take names self.  Not only that, my badger patronus would die before letting anything or anyone hurt me.

The badger is and always has been my animal of choice.  A bad ass mother.  Just like me.