Sunday, December 29, 2013

What G-d Wants

I gave always been incredibly confident that G-d drives my "little deuce coupe."  I have always felt that if I pray and trust, that things will go the way they should.

I have found that the deep depression in which I find myself is a chasm that separates me from G-d.  I don't believe He is not there or that He doesn't still drive the car... I just believe my lights are out and I can't see, feel or sense His presence.

I had been Torah true;  I had been the typical Yiddishe mama; and now, not so much.  And as I get better and find more answers about how I fell into this chasm, I feel my neshama stirring and an absolute need to reconnect with my Creator.

But I also find I am lazy, terrified and clueless about how to get back on the road I was once on.  I am afraid because I fell so far down the ladder, practically scraping my tachat on the floor!

I am struggling but my neshama is true and sees the light I cannot see yet.  I am asking for help, needing help, but also sure that HaShem will direct my journey as He always has and the road may not be what I expect or even desire, but it will be the road for me to take.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Welcome back!

Well, here we day, new home.  Wordpress was making me insane.  So...I changed.

Today is Christmas Eve.  I am not sure how I feel.  Today Evan will go with his father for the day - about 7 hours.  He's a bit apprehensive but he also gaunt seen his father's family in ages and I know they want to be with him so I'm sure he will have a terrific time.

Of course it will be quiet here.  No more constant singing of the Grinch song anyway!

Scott and I plan a quiet evening.  He has to work until 5pm.  Ick.  But then there will be pizza and wine and then wrapping and finally, the return of Evan.  It's even supposed to snow!

Tomorrow will be warm and happy, cookie and gingerbread filled, and topped by dinner with Scott's kids and the grandkidlets.  I'm looking forward really.

I will say this though...I am Jewish and I am so done with this!  How do you guys stand two whole months of this heady excitement?!  I admit I have enjoyed it for the most part.  The Sirius channel with 40s Christmas music, the lights decorating the neighborhood, the cookies I have made.  But wow, I realized yesterday I was done.  Bring on New Years Eve already!

My next holiday is Tu B'Shvat and I am looking forward to it followed by Purim then Pesach (Passover).  I realize my life is focused on the sacred Jewish year and while I certainly wish my friends of other cultures and faiths joyous, solemn, happy holidays and festivals...I am ready again for my own.

I think after a year of deep depression that this is a big step.  I am recapturing my self, who I am deep down and working hard to reestablish that.  

I am Israeli too after all and that is imprinted deep on my neshama (soul).  G-d answered me when I cried oh so many years ago and for that I will always sing His praises.

Merry Christmas to my friends celebrating and thank you for letting me be a small part of your joy.