Depths of Depression

Depression is so insidious.  One minute you feel like maybe it's gone and things seem hopeful, activities you used to love suddenly interest you.  You feel better and you smile easier, you relax better and the things you do are because you want to, not because you force yourself to do them.

When I started to feel better, I wanted to go out more, even to places of which I had been so deathly afraid.  I mean it wasn't like every bad thing was resolved because going into the house I was held prisoner in last year (emotionally anyway) still makes me very, very sad and emotional.  That takes a while to deal with after we go.

But like I said, depression is insidious.  It doesn't take much to throw you back into its clutches.  This whole synagogue thing has done that.  Intellectually I know I should just say screw them all.  When I was a member I was on the board and worked hard.  If they choose to not have me back, they lose don't they?

But emotionally it's exactly most of those words that have triggered my depression as well as a boatload of guilt I can't even process.  And to know that one person on this planet planted all these seeds to destroy me and it worked, well, that makes the veil even darker doesn't it?

So I am back to somewhere I was last summer.  Somewhere deep inside of me that says I am no good and everyone realizes it.  The people who think I AM a good person just don't know me although someday they will and then, they too, will run screaming down the street.  My closest friends aren't even sure of me.  My dad doesn't believe me and says it was all my fault my life went to hell.  How could anyone else believe in me?

And I imagine it's hard for Scott and Evan to have seen such progress, to have to realize such regression.  The exhaustion. The disinterest.  The pain I feel, the guilt and the feelings that I am completely worthless.  The things that don't get done or that I put off.  The fact that this is inside of my head and nothing anyone says can fix it although the support does make it less painful.

Depression is insidious.  That's just what it is.  And coupled with its best friends anxiety and panic attacks, it scares me.  I know I'll reclimb the mountain that I fell down so hard and so fast but it scares me to see how fragile my foothold is and how very quickly things can change.