Thursday, January 16, 2014

Time Flies

I can't believe it's been almost 20 days since I last blogged.  Time flies I guess.  In this time I have discovered:

I rather like Downton Abbey, which I knew, but since I was rationing episodes to savor the deliciousness of each....I finally watched all of seaso 3 and I am quite besotted!

I made Scott love Doc Martin!!!!!

I also made him love Project Runway even though he'd never admit it but he's kind of dragging his heels on the new Tim Gunn show.

I have a seizure disorder.  Nothing new huh?  Now it has a name though.  Simple partial seizures with secondary generalization.  That means I have baby seizures before I have the BIG one.  Or auras.  Whatever you call them they basically can be anything and for me, they often seem like am out-of-the-blue panic attack.  Which, I guess, is how the neurologist identified them as seizures.  My nurse practitioner asked yesterday how I keep them from becoming the BIG one.  I don't have any idea because unlike a panic attack I can't identify a trigger.  I think I should have said prayer helps keep the BIG ones at bay but sometimes even that doesn't reach G-d in time.

I love my kid more than anything in the world and my guilt over things I feel I am responsible for happening to him will never ever go away.  That guilt combines with grief and devastates me daily.  My nurse practitioner said I "seem" better.  I tried to explain how I feel and how day to day it can be so different.  Hour to hour.  Minute to minute.  Second to second.  She didn't understand.

Most people don't "get" epilepsy of depression.  They don't understand how it feels to be unable to drive, to determine ones adult life and comings and goings.  I am so grateful to have Scott who so lovingly cares for us.  I still can't help but miss an independent life.

I miss my Jewish practice.  It's been so unbelievably hard to face people, the world, everything.  I freak when I have to encounter something old, something new, something familiar or unfamiliar.  I fear people I know the most.  I like slithering through life knowing no one, being a nothing, being invisible.  Some people don't like that but I find comfort in it.  Still I miss my Jewish practice so this Friday I am trying to attend synagogue.  I have a choice between a synagogue I have never been to and one I used to be on the board of.  It's hard.

It's snowing and I hope we get a half foot.  I'd love to take Evan sledding but for now I have to settle for a daily walk in the neighborhood, Wii games and watching "Say Yes To The Dress", which he insists he doesn't like but which he sits and watches with me.

So...that is what I have discovered.  Not much I suppose in the grand scheme of things but it seems a whole lifetime almost for me.  And I try hard to keep climbing the ladder even though there are days I slip a few or many rungs...the point is I keep focused on the goal.

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I am fragile - please be kind or just say nothing. I thank you very much.