I have found that the deep depression in which I find myself is a chasm that separates me from G-d. I don't believe He is not there or that He doesn't still drive the car... I just believe my lights are out and I can't see, feel or sense His presence.
I had been Torah true; I had been the typical Yiddishe mama; and now, not so much. And as I get better and find more answers about how I fell into this chasm, I feel my neshama stirring and an absolute need to reconnect with my Creator.
But I also find I am lazy, terrified and clueless about how to get back on the road I was once on. I am afraid because I fell so far down the ladder, practically scraping my tachat on the floor!
I am struggling but my neshama is true and sees the light I cannot see yet. I am asking for help, needing help, but also sure that HaShem will direct my journey as He always has and the road may not be what I expect or even desire, but it will be the road for me to take.