Sunday, December 29, 2013

What G-d Wants

I gave always been incredibly confident that G-d drives my "little deuce coupe."  I have always felt that if I pray and trust, that things will go the way they should.

I have found that the deep depression in which I find myself is a chasm that separates me from G-d.  I don't believe He is not there or that He doesn't still drive the car... I just believe my lights are out and I can't see, feel or sense His presence.

I had been Torah true;  I had been the typical Yiddishe mama; and now, not so much.  And as I get better and find more answers about how I fell into this chasm, I feel my neshama stirring and an absolute need to reconnect with my Creator.

But I also find I am lazy, terrified and clueless about how to get back on the road I was once on.  I am afraid because I fell so far down the ladder, practically scraping my tachat on the floor!

I am struggling but my neshama is true and sees the light I cannot see yet.  I am asking for help, needing help, but also sure that HaShem will direct my journey as He always has and the road may not be what I expect or even desire, but it will be the road for me to take.

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I am fragile - please be kind or just say nothing. I thank you very much.